Self Doubt and Loathing in Pilates Class.

Every question your choices or your path or your life’s work? Ever wonder if somewhere along the line, if you’d only made a left instead of a right, that you’d be in a different place or at least a different stop sign? Ever feel insignificant or less than or like you walked into the wrong room? I do. We do. Of course, you do too.

Last night I walked into the Pilates room. Now, I know that’s about the most bourgeois thing a person can say on a Tuesday morning, right there behind ringing a bell and asking the butler to bring you your ascot, but that’s what happened. I walked into the Pilates room. I didn’t see the teacher and everyone else looked like they were born with a Pilates mat in their mouth and I had no idea where to be, what to do or how to do it. Now, I pointed out my privilege so that you don’t have to. I know. Going to a Pilates class? Sounds rough right? Don’t worry. I’ve lived through enough weird/hard/traumatic/sad/awkward/devastating stuff to be able to say that with the appropriate amount of self-deprecation and self-loathing.

Give me dirt, a bike or even a conversation about zero drop running shoes (truthfully, I have no idea what zero drop means) and I feel like I’m home. Pilates and a room full of machines or people I’ve never seen and I become just like everyone else; uncomfortable, out of my element, and questioning all my choices. Don’t get hung up on the scene. It’s a metaphor but it feels the same. Like you don’t belong, like you’re not good enough, like you made the wrong turn somewhere.

I could feel myself go through all the motions of wondering if I could walk out and not trip over something or someone without anyone noticing (nope) or if I could fake my way through it (always an option) or if I could just muscle my way through it (the way many of us do in life). Turns out, I can just be uncomfortable. Just be completely outside of the realm of what I know. Not even be able to see my wheelhouse. Turns out I can do all those things and live to tell (and write a blog post) about it. Again, it’s a METAPHOR. Some of you are like, “Pilates? What’s that?” and some of you are like, “Wow, must be nice to go to Pilates.” Don’t get caught up in that. It’s just a way for you to take yourself out of the equation so that you don’t have to feel your emotions around not fitting in or having self-doubt. Don’t do that. I know it’s easier but the pay-off is low. It’s like spending all your money on lotto tickets hoping to strike it rich. It’s much smarter to just save the 25 bucks a week for the next 20 years. I know. I suck at analogies. I’m much better at metaphors.